One of the many things that I love about the Chinese is their appreciation of the needs of dragons. Dragons living in mountains will of course want to fly down to the sea, which is increasingly problematic for them as the waterfront acquires more and more high rise buildings, for example in Hong Kong. So what do you do if you want to build a building in the dragon’s flight path? You leave gaps in it so the dragons can fly through, naturally.

I saw this building from the ferry on the way to Lamma Island. Pretty much all the flight paths are covered but I can’t help wondering how the floors of that building are arranged around the gap. I’m guessing they need a lift either side for a start…

Since I moved to China, I’ve had a Chinese iPhone. This behaved mostly as I expected until a few months ago when it spontaneously acquired a custom ringtone. Not as you might think the sound I hear when people call me… No. Nothing that mundane.

When people called me, rather than the expected ring-ring they were subjected to what might most accurately be described as a “Chinese Maria Carey ballad”.  Oh the humiliation. People might think that I actually SELECTED this horrific screeching.  I have no idea why this started, or indeed any idea how to stop it or at least change the music. The only possible solution was to throw myself at my phone when it rang to pick up as quickly as possible to minimise potential exposure to the caterwauling. Thank goodness not that many people have my Chinese number.

I believe this is what the Chinese operators consider to be a “value-added feature” and it’s surprisingly popular. I recently called a local company to have a proper, serious business discussion, only to be greeted by a ring tone that sounded like a demented ice cream van. Not a great start to a professional interaction.

Actually the best example of a customised phone tone I have experienced was by a company I used to deal with in the UK. They played Monty Python sketches rather than hold music so when someone actually answered I was sometimes a little disappointed. More people should do something like that.

Actually what am I saying? I am now imagining being subjected to Chinese Monty Python while on hold. On second thoughts, forget I ever brought it up. Please….

Living in China I am constantly bombarded by things that puzzle or otherwise confuse me. Today’s mystery is why so many Chinese ride with their bicycle kickstands down…not the two pronged ones (duh) but the little sticks that are sprung to pop out from the side. They take just a tap and a nanosecond to deploy so why do so many people leave them down? I see countless cyclists every day with their stands skimming perilously close to the road surface, just waiting for a chance to hit a bump and topple their riders off.

It’s possible that I’m so conditioned that Bad Things Will Happen regarding the whole Leaving-Your-Stand-Down thing because on motorbikes doing so could easily cause a crash (very much in the style of the pic above). Actually as a guard against stupidity my bike engine shuts down if I accidentally select first gear with the stand still down. Maybe I’m worried about nothing – maybe the bicycle stands just ping up on their sprints when they hit something.

Maybe, this is actually a tiny act of defiance when there’s so much here that could in theory poison, injure or maim you. A sort of two fingers up at the day to celebrate not falling off your bicycle when all the odds were against you.

I need to know. I’m going to HAVE to investigate further.

It’s officially the Chinese year of the Dragon which kicked off here last night extremely noisily with the whole city setting off fireworks and firecrackers. It’s all about chasing the bad spirits away and letting the good ones in. I think that tells us that good Chinese spirits are deaf – it has sounded pretty much exactly like those TV reports from warzones since yesterday afternoon. Here’s what it looked like last night:

Actually the fireworks were fun but it was particularly interesting to watch the randomness. People would seemingly just plop huge boxes of fireworks on their doorsteps and then light them right there.

We watched for some time as box after box was lit right by the entrance to our apartment. It was almost comical to watch taxis pull up right next to the box and let people out, cyclists and other drivers meandering right past it. We also saw a guy light a rocket/ mortar and then just hold it in his hand as it went off. I don’t believe he was hurt but I shudder to think how many people were injured across China. I suspect a LOT although, now that I come to think about it, there’s a good chance that the hospitals were closed, as everything else is.

The place is quite eerily quiet – very few cars, almost nobody on the street, all the shops boarded up. I read on some blog recently that it is how you might imagine post zombie apocalypse Shanghai, only with more fireworks, obviously.

Something that we can all learn from the Chinese is the habit of exercising every day. Even in San Francisco a lot of the people you see working out early in the morning are Chinese. Here in Shanghai they can be seen everywhere, particularly early in the morning (unlike me).

That said, some of the exercises themselves are a little unorthodox.  Here are some I have seen recently:

• You often see people walking around backwards. Much to my surprise it turns out that they are not care in the community participants! Apparently the thinking is that it is like clocking a car to reduce the mileage on the odometer – if you walk backwards the same distance that you walk forward each day you will never age by a single day. OK..
• Tai chi. Lots of this going on everywhere either individually or in groups. It’s beautiful to watch – the other day I saw a few elderly ladies doing some form that included fans and swords. Just stunning.
• People walking around slapping themselves on the arms and/ or clapping.
• The other day I saw two old guys standing back to back doing hip circles. This went on for ages. I’m not sure what it was doing for them but they seemed to be enjoying it.
• Walking around doing knee raises. OK this one I get but it’s a bit strange on a crowded pavement.

Something that I can’t quite get used to here is the fact that everything is SO LOUD. Just like Spinal Tap I think that China has a dial that goes up to eleven.

Conversations aren’t like normal conversations, two people in the street will most often yell at each other. Restaurant staff bellow across diners at each other and everyone else as a matter of course.

Shopping involves another whole level of decibels. Apparently Chinese shoppers need people with microphones to help them select products. Some of them are noisily doing demonstrations others are I think just helpfully telling people what’s on offer at a completely scary volume.

That’s just the shop assistants. One of my regular supermarkets plays Spice Girls music (really!) LOUDLY on a constant loop (at least that’s what they’ve played every time I’ve been in there). That’s before you get to the shoppers – who are of course roaring their requests to shop assistants and generally chatting at the tops of their voices.

I think I might invest in a large pair of noise cancelling headphones.

It’s not exactly a surprise that the Chinese like their fireworks. What came as a bit of a surprise is quite how often you hear them. Every shop opening is accompanied by a veritable blizzard of fireworks/ firecrackers. I’ve watched them as they lay out huge snaking coils of firecrackers on the street in front of the shop to be honoured. Apparently this helps scare away bad spirits and welcome in good spirits (I have no idea how the spirits tell the difference).

So what you say? Well the thing about Shanghai is that shops open and close CONSTANTLY. So every day there are many shop openings that are heralded with the loudest and most sustained noise possible. And it appears that the openings are celebrated as early in the mornings as possible. Gah! Actually the shop openings also involve a large number of flowers but I really don’t care how many of them they deploy to encourage the right vibe/spirits/ chi.

To fit in in Shanghai it is important that you observe the correct lift etiquette:

• When the doors open, you get it. Don’t worry if the lift is completely packed full and the next one is just a minute away, you just get in.
•  Give people a little shove if they don’t move over enough.
• Then, select your floor and then stab the close door button repeatedly until they close. This bit is really important. I’m sure it’s a source of bad chi or something to actually allow lift doors to close by themselves.